Is there anything worse than umbrella theft? Umbrella theives are the lowest form of life. You may not be aware of it, but umbrella theft accounts for nearly 80% of all theft in the U.S. Even though I just made that figure up, it still sucks to have your umbrella stolen and have to get soaked on the way home.

The Shacklie can help. It’s basically a lock or handcuff on the handle of the umbrella. This way you can secure your umbrella while it’s not in use. Maybe even catch a criminal and escort him to the police.

Umbrellas are a pain to use. It’s like your umbrella is holding your hand hostage, keeping you from doing important tasks like texting, fixing your hair or flipping some dude off. If only you had use of that hand while keeping the rain off of yourself.

Well now you can go hands free thanks to Japanese Superstore Tokyu Hands and the Shoulderbrella. Just unscrew the end of your umbrella and stick it into the Shoulderbrella. Then just wrap it around one or both of your shoulders like a harness.

The Off the Course Golf Club Umbrella is a $65 combo umbrella with golf club handle and iron head. Up until now Golfers had to rely only their golf club to attract lightning and be burnt to a crisp. But now with this new technology, they have the added umbrella to act as a lightning rod.

You think you’re cool, playing golf and keeping dry between swings, and it’s all good. Until you hear the first hint of thunder approaching. You can pack up and leave, or you can play like a real man and defy mother nature twice over. It’s made of steel, fiberglass, polyester, and rubber. Though I don’t think the rubber will help much.

They have a silly disclaimer that “This product is an umbrella and should not be used …

Remember the Umbuster? That umbrella that keeps you dry and provides a handy pair of brass knuckles is actually available for sale now. It has gone from concept to actual product, making rainy nights far more dangerous around the world.

Feel free to now equate rain with pain my friends. Old man and woman crime against the young will soar. I actually fear rainstorms now. It will cost you $287 and may give rise to gangs of elderly bullies walking wet streets, swinging these things around like beat cops itchin’ for some action.

Here’s a perfect accessory for tourists who get lost while visiting rainy cities. It’s an awesome alternative to GPS devices, that will help you find your way and keep you dry at the same time. It’s like having your own tour guide with you in the city, featuring a map of the city with such spots as cafes highlighted, along with restaurants and hot spots. The design shown is by Cansu Cender and features a map of Istanbul, Turkey. It can easily be of help in any other cities and it would be great to see these sold at tourist shops. Very nice idea.

How many times have you wanted to say F**k the rain by sending a special message through those storm clouds toward the man above? Well now ya can thanks to this umbrella by Art Lebedev and Anton Schnaider .

It also doubles as an effective way of communicating with your fellow human beings who displease you. Just point it toward them, give a little forward jab so they know it’s for them and then for a bit of theatrics give it a twirl and walk off. It’s available for $56. I’m wondering if enough of these pointed at the heavens would piss God off. Guess we’ll find out. Should be interesting. I just hope it doesn’t lead to something like Bush’s third term.

Whether you’re an off duty Ninja just staying out of the rain, or that guy from the Avengers, the Umbuster umbrella should keep you protected by giving you a pair of brass knuckles. Even though these aren’t brass. Instead you have a choice of wood or aluminum finish.

I’m not sure how easy it is to hit another guy with the bottom part of an umbrella while open though. Wouldn’t you hit yourself with the top part as you swung at your enemy? I would recommend this for little old ladies. They need to protect themselves, plus they just plain love hitting people with purses and stuff. You can get the Umbuster in October for about $330.

It’s not easy to do other things while trying to hold onto your umbrella. And what if you don’t have this one handy. Mikhail Stawsky’s Bluetooth Umbrella concept wants to help in that department. Sure it keeps you dry, but this one also sports Bluetooth.

It will let you answer a call and talk into the handle. I’m hoping you won’t have to have it against your ear. A touchscreen display will give you the usual options like answer/divert and volume. It’s also a radio so if you’d like to re-enact Singing In The Rain or some other wetness themed song, go for it as onlookers stop and gape.

Anyone who has ever been caught in a sudden harsh downpour knows that it sucks to not have an umbrella. You probably also know that newspapers can help to at least keep most of it off your head.

This green concept is from designer Shiu Yuk Yuen and uses disgarded newspapers as your umbrella canopy. Just unscrew the top piece, secure the paper and screw the lid back on. The user could use almost any material they want, limited only by their inventiveness. It’s a very clever idea. There is one big flaw in the design however. If I can’t find a newspaper or some other thing to screw in place, I’m drenched.

For those who want to stay dry on a rainy day and at the same time look like an idiot, I present to you the UFO Cap. It’s sort of like a hat/upper body hoop skirt type condom…Flying Nun thing. It probably works really well, but I’m sure it also makes people shout, “Hey condom head”.

And that packaging doesn’t exactly sell me on the idea of using it in my daily life. I mean what’s with the two little unused condom looking critters in the lower right? Are they gonna hump? That’s just wrong.

Do you carry an Umbrella when it rains? Many people don’t bother, because they know they will get just as wet whether they carry one or not. There’s just no point to it. That’s where the Nubrella comes in. It wants to protect you from the rain the way an umbrella should, protecting your head from all sides. It’s like your own personal transparent pod.

Another plus is that this umbrella doesn’t require any hands, which is good, because you usually have your hands full. There is a downside: This sort of thing is socially unacceptable and you will be mocked. But hey, you can be mocked, I don’t mind. It will pave the way for the rest of us to use it one day. You can pick one up for $60.