So some Russians had a bathroom design contest and they came up with this toilet, named “Mrs. Hudson” for some reason. I have no idea why. Maybe Mrs. Hudson is known for huge steaming BMs and affectionately called the pisser behind closed doors. It’s as good a guess as any. Design firm 2-B-2 Architecture claims that this winning toilet was “inspired by a water drop,”. Aren’t they all? The Russkies are crazy. I’m thinking some guy appears and shouts Riiicolllla and blows in this thing creating a huge mess.

This self-contained and waterless toilet is called the EcoJohn Sr Toilet. Quite simply, it burns the crap you normally flush, into white ash. It operates just like a regular toilet, except that water doesn’t take away your waste. Just close the lid and the waste is whisked away like South Park’s Mr. hankey the x mas poo on Christmas eve. It’s final destination is a burn chamber where it is cremated. A small bit of smoke is belched out and filtered through a catalytic converter before hitting the air.

There is some water involved, just minimal. The toilet is equipped with a small reservoir that holds about a quart of water. Press a special rinse button, and it’s easy to keep the bowl and auger clean. It’s the perfect water saving device, though I’m not sure how I would feel about having a chimney on my toilet.

The Souped Up John is the ultimate in geek bathroom luxury. The designer certainly wasn’t constipated when it came to throwing ideas into this john, but was certainly counting on your constipation to keep you in place long enough to use all of the various gadgetry.

It sports a television, TiVo, DVD, XBox, laptop, fridge and of course the toilet paper holder comes standard. Plus an iPod docking station. You also get some exercise pedals in front for when you really need to shake those bowels loose. The megaphone is there so others can cater to any needs not already provided for.

It’s true that most toilets in Japan have built-in bidets, but I’m guessing that not many of those are equipped with a remote control. The Blooming Bidet is, adding some elegance and allowing you to have full control over the toilet experience. That includes full control of the water spray intensity as well as the hot air aimed at your behind.

Thank God it has a huge Stop button. If this thing goes berserk and starts treating your privates badly, you can just hit it to get things under control again. Flushing is automatic, that’s why there’s no Flush button. It might have been a good idea to add one for the occasional logjam. It also has a LED underwater nightlight, a pressure sensor and integrated controls located near the right thigh.

Products that are designed to help you learn how to use the toilet are funny. Mostly because you should know how to use the toilet by now. Potty Monkey is awesome. This 15-inch tall stuffed monkey comes complete with a pair of diapers, a pair of underwear and his toilet. An electronic timer is buried somewhere in his rectum body and can be set at intervals of 30 or 90 minutes. When the clock runs out, the monkey will tell you he needs to go potty. When you place him on the toilet he won’t shut up about it. He’ll tell you how much better he feels, and will even sing a version of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’, except his version is all about dukey and yule-logs. Don’t think you can just ignore him like a bad parent either.

If you do, he will just plead more. “I really need to go potty! Let’s go potty!!” Ignore him again, and he says, “Hey, take me to the potty now or I’ll have an accident!” After that, “Oh no! I had an accident! Please take me to the potty next time.” No…I will not take you to the potty. You are not my son. You are a bad monkey who somehow ended up in my home and feels free to crap himself at the drop of a hat.

Even the cleanest bathroom has invisible nasties lurking around every corner. Whether you are a germophobe or not, it would only help matters if there were some way to flush the toilet without actually touching that bacteria ridden cesspool. There is! Time to put the peddle to the metal bathroom tile, with the Foot Flush. “Changing the world one step at a time”.

For $20, you will never have to flush by hand, ever again. It hooks to the flushing mechanism in your toilet bowl. Take that toilet! After years of your sweet caress on it’s jiggly handle, it will now be touched less then Rosie O’Donell in a room full of female Tennis players.

I bet you never pictured this in your bathroom. The WashUP concept puts a washing machine directly on top of your toilet. The idea here is recycling. No one really cares where the water that you use for flushing comes from, after all. When the washing cycle is complete, the water that just cleaned your clothes is stored in a reservoir where it will be used again to flush the toilet. It’s a pretty ingenious way to conserve water and get twice the use out of a given amount.

One selling point is that the washing machine is higher off the ground, so it’s easier on your back as you load and unload clothing. Plus, this is good for apartment dwellers who don’t have room for a typical washing machine. I assume it can’t back up and filth up your clothes.

For some reason, humans like to put their own unique stamp on everything so they can stand out. Just look at all the tech add-ons that personalize their gadgets. And after centuries of tattooing their bodies, it’s time to tattoo the ole crapper.

Toilet tattoos are printed on a plastic film that sticks electrostatically to your plastic seat lid. They can be easily removed and changed or cleaned. They offer a variety of patterns and images, including holiday themes, so you can change the look of your can to match the season. Personally, I would want the frogs one, but I would want the image to change automatically. They would start off as happy frogs, but after somebody does their business and adds a few logs to the pond, the frogs would keel over and fall off their branch. Then when the smell dissipates, they would be happy again. See, it’s not only pretty, but kinda like a refuse radiation detector as well.

Gentlemen, ladies…Your new throne awaits. Prepare to be whisked away, not by Calgon, but by a bold design that takes the toilet to new levels of bold innovation. Some features include a docking station for your big fat ass as well as your iPod, plus a heated seat, multi-touch flusher, and built-in surround sound. Because when you leave a Cleveland steamer, you want a touch of Vegas luxury.

The Air Poo. Reading material not included.