The official mouse of the financial crisis. With just one click of this mouse you can get a nifty bailout, assign million dollar raises to your cronies and book a flight to some far away land where you can’t be questioned. It’s like magic, this mouse.

This isn’t just tasteless bling, it’s wireless bling. The gold bullion wireless mouse. The warehouse where these are stored may look like Fort Knox, but if you melt this stuff down all you get is a lump of burnt plastic. Not that anyone at this warehouse has a job anymore. So there’s no one there to see this pile of mice in all their bullion glory. Sad.

Look, I know you older guys and doctors are crazy about your golf, but damn. That’s no excuse to go peeing in a golf club or to have a giant inflatable golf simulator in your backyard.

You want to hit a little white ball again and again in between rides in your little beat up golf cart that’s your business. I don’t get it myself. But since you own all of the other novelty golf products, take a gander at this. The Golf Club Head Mouse is the mouse you’ve been looking for. Grip the head of the driver to control your cursor and pretend it’s hitting a little ball each time.

Most of us are happy with the typical doorbell. But there are others who are looking for something a bit more dramatic. The Nuclear Doorbell should do the trick. No old school ding-dong ring here. Instead, at the push of its wireless button it will produce sounds that could wake up the dead, as it blinks its lights while loudly announcing visitors.

Experience such sounds as a droning klaxon and a voice acted script to let you know that somebody’s at the door. Check out the video below before you decide on your purchase. We have a feeling you might change your mind.

This electronic change counting bank makes sure that you always have money for beer. Because in these tough times, beer money too often goes toward other frivolous things like a “mortgage”, or a “college fund”. Make sure that doesn’t happen to your beer money by making daily deposits.

It will count and tally up your total savings, but sadly doesn’t translate that into number of beers saved. It also won’t convert the change into cash, so you’ll be known as “that guy who always pays in pennies”.

Hamsters are like people. Most are lazy and just sit around eating. Some enjoy the simple pleasures of a wheel, so they can stay trim. Then there are those select few who dare to dream and have “the right stuff”.

To paraphrase Kennedy, “We choose to put a hamster in a rocket before this decade is out, not because it is easy, but because it is hard.” So, make your hamster a national hero by buying him this Hamster Rocket Ship Funhouse so it thinks that it’s part of NASA. Just leave him in there for a while and change the scenery in front of the widow. He’ll never know. Then when he comes back to Earth, you can give him a parade in one of these.

The Soda Cup phone is a bit more stealthy then the average hamburger phone. The cord is the only thing that gives it away as a phone. If they had made a cordless model, it would fool everybody.

Just answer this phone in front of somebody and they will feel like they are on drugs. Dude that’s a phone? At $14, you can’t afford not to buy this smiley freckle faced fake cup with weird generic Soda name.

I personally don’t find a sport like Golf fun. This radio controlled Golf ball might make things a little more bearable and fun. It’s the ProActive Sports Radio Controlled Incred-A-Ball. A radio controlled golf ball that has a radio activated gyroscope inside.

Turn it on and the ball goes crazy, moving around. Watch the reactions of various stuffy old dudes as you trick them. They can try all they want to take their swing, but the ball is going to move on them. It gets recharged via a dock and only costs $19.

As a tough guy you’ve worked on your share of projects that involve power tools and you’ve no doubt had your share of mishaps that have sent you to the emergency room.

But there’s nothing worse then wounding yourself and then being forced to cover the wound with some kind of Pokemon band-aid because that’s all you had in the first aid kit. It just looks ridiculous. Regular bandages aren’t much better. But the Duct tape bandage says I’m a man damnit and I can just slap some duct tape on it and it will be fine.” Who needs a stinkin’ doctor?

Now, if you can create a gun that will shoot these AK-47 bullet ice cubes into drinks, you’ll be the talk of the town for your killer drinks. On the other hand, if you’re the violent sort, you may well create a gun that will shoot these into a person, since they will melt and leave no evidence. I guess that’s my dark side working overtime.

The AK Ice Tray resembles an AK-47 magazine. Just place the other half on top and it will create perfect ice bullets that look amazingly realistic. And if you’re a spy-type, why not impress an enemy agent with these. When they choke on the unusual shape, your job is done. Again, no evidence.

We’ve seen our share of useless gadgets, no question about it. They don’t get more useless then the USB volcano. I mean, they could have done something cool with this. How about a little diorama with some ancient civilization dropping a virgin or two into the thing? What about making it a real lava spewer(Okay, nothing harmful that will melt flesh) that’s also a bank, where you have to feed it coins so it doesn’t go all Krakatoa all over your desk? Or what about having a tiny remote control robot in the case with the volcano that you can send in and get readings like a real science kind of deal?

But no. No, sadly this craptastic gadget is just a volcano with plastic lava beads that erupt out of the water-filled desktop toy. And you even have to provide the water. $18 if you are actually impressed.

Looking for a cheap USB thrill for your desk that will provide hours of fun and distract you from your work? You might want to check out this USB Ferris Wheel that’s powered by your typing. I don’t know about hours of fun. That kinda depends on your IQ level.

Surely it will provide minutes of fun, with it’s flashing lights, carnival music, spinning wheel and plastic bunny, bear and elephant careening down the slide. Surely this is exactly the useless crap you’ve been searching for. As long as you keep typing the show will go on. How much would you pay for all this fun? 10? 20? It can be yours for just $30. Hit the link for a video of the Ferris Wheel in action.

For those who enjoy thumb-wrestling, but feel that their pudgy digits lack the animation needed for true wrestling drama, you might want to hone your button mashing skills, because Arm Wrestle Mania will take your finger game to the next level. That level being somewhere above redneck and below barstool drunk, but still. This game may be the only way you ever beat someone at arm wrestling, so it’s well worth it.

Commence button mashing and the arm moves. Whoever taps the button quickest wins bragging rights and will have to defend their title with this $25 toy. Who will you be? Backwards hat trucker guy or clean cut 50’s hair dude?

What’s better then the new iPhone? Two things actually: An iPhone from the future and a nice cold beer. Now you can combine your love of brew with your iPhone love thanks to this neat app that uses the iPhone’s tilt sensor to simulate you drinking it down as you raise it to your lips.

Just don’t lick your lips and slam it down on the table like a mug. You paid a lot for that thing. iBeer can be found at iTunes for $2.99. They also have iMilk for some reason. Check out a video below.

The Hacked USB flash drive holds 2GB of storage space and makes it look like you or somebody else ripped your USB cable in half. Great for practical jokers and those who like accessories that look like they belong in the trash. Imagine all the reactions you’ll get from strangers. More then likely some well meaning but not too smart person will approach you and let you know that your “little doohickey is broken”.

If you like to stand out in a crowd, these pig earphones from Greenhouse are the perfect way to get some attention. One of your ears will look like a pig is diving in, while the other ear will look like it’s flying out after having devoured your brain. Perfect for farmers, and pig owners. I can’t think of anyone else who would want to use these.

They’re codenamed ‘GH-ERC-PIG’ for some insane reason and they come in three colors. Pink, white and black. The little pigs have an output of 10mW, impedance of 16Ω and a frequency response of 20Hz-20,000Hz. They will go on sale later this month in Japan for $12.