Everyone knows that despite being slow, turtles are master masseuses. You just have to book your appointment in advance since they take their time. Brando’s USB Tortoise Massager sure looks like it would be relaxing. He’s basically a vibrating turtle with a USB connection that should sooth your tense muscles with his legs.

It’s powered by a pair of AA batteries, not by USB. God forbid he put some power into the massage. How much money would you expect to “shell” out for such a massager? Well thankfully the price matches this little guys power at only $10.

Would you wear a foot massager that’s really a slipper with two Hippos on it? You know you would, because massages feel great. Just don’t let anyone catch you. Ever. You don’t want it getting around the office. It’s a slipper for two feet at once, which makes it even weirder.

Oh and it comes from a company called Farting Hippo. So maybe the idea is that the vibration of hippo farts make a good massage. The question is, do you need a massage bad enough to wear this? Terrible as this is, it’s a tough call. Just don’t get caught.

First of all, this thing looks like it needs a Hello Kitty face on it. It’s basically a pink and white torpedo for women to lay on top of and get touched inappropriately by it’s robot innards. Since it’s a robot, it won’t have to worry about sexual harassment. It’s got wheels too, so once you get your wife good and relaxed, you can just wheel her wherever the hell you want and go play the Wii.

It’s ridiculously expensive at $13,500, but what the hell, it’s got a huge pink visor and a touchscreen. It also “automatically adapts its speed and pressure to the body part it’s massaging,” and since you are laying out all that dough, they give you a built-in audio system too. If you ask me it looks like a futuristic hospital bed that’s only going to fit women on the very thin end of the scale. I guess the moral of the story is to quit eating three square meals at Mickey D’s for a month and only then will you be privileged enough to get a robot massage.