If I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s that rich people have spoiled and bratty children. There’s no better way to keep rich demon spawn occupied and eliminate parental interaction, then to buy them something completely ridiculous and let them have at it.

Like this huge ass Pirate ship parked in the room of your choosing, for instance. It’s actually a fancy huge bed. Some features include a play aft deck with working helm, forward deck with sail, walking plank, four cannons, wooden anchor, working brass portholes, wake up brass bell, captain’s quarters in twin or double full, and first mate’s quarters. Prices range from $6650 to $8050

Products that are designed to help you learn how to use the toilet are funny. Mostly because you should know how to use the toilet by now. Potty Monkey is awesome. This 15-inch tall stuffed monkey comes complete with a pair of diapers, a pair of underwear and his toilet. An electronic timer is buried somewhere in his rectum body and can be set at intervals of 30 or 90 minutes. When the clock runs out, the monkey will tell you he needs to go potty. When you place him on the toilet he won’t shut up about it. He’ll tell you how much better he feels, and will even sing a version of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’, except his version is all about dukey and yule-logs. Don’t think you can just ignore him like a bad parent either.

If you do, he will just plead more. “I really need to go potty! Let’s go potty!!” Ignore him again, and he says, “Hey, take me to the potty now or I’ll have an accident!” After that, “Oh no! I had an accident! Please take me to the potty next time.” No…I will not take you to the potty. You are not my son. You are a bad monkey who somehow ended up in my home and feels free to crap himself at the drop of a hat.

Moov is one of the coolest kids I’ve seen in a long time. It’s a DIY 4-in-1 vehicle kit for kids between 5 and 12 from Dutch company Berg. You can build a racer, a carver, a tricycle, and a scooter. It’s like combining LEGO and Erector with the big wheel.

With the large wood and plastic pieces, it’s easy enough for a kid to build and big enough to ride it down the street. Plus, they are actually learning while they play. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see add-ons for these very soon, that would pimp up the kid creations.

Japanese retailer Aeon Co. said on Tuesday that it has introduced a four-foot-seven tall, yellow-and-white robot at a store in the southern city of Fukuoka. The robot will be in charge of entertaining the children. Parents are encouraged to leave their children with the kid-sized machine, and the kids wear special badges that bear codes which the robot can read. (In other words, our young have now been tagged. They can now be tracked by our shiny metal overlords. Oh joy!)

The robot can identify the children’s names and ages and chat with them.(The indoctrination begins. CONFORM, tiny larvae human.) The robot also has a projector in one of its eyes to beam advertising messages(directly into child retinas) — or to show pictures that it has captured with a camera installed in the other eye.(Pictures of dead humans and the carnage to come. It encourages the whole CONFORM thing.)

Here’s an interesting way to pimp out your toddler. Korean company YoungToys released a cellphone/digital toy aimed directly at kids and toddlers. “Zeki” uses Near Field Communication(NFC) technology to communicate between mom and kid, or kid and kid, up to an 80-meter distance. Some other features include mp3 playback, voice & video recording, SMS and alarm function and the ability to absorb kid germs.

Zeki also supports the exchange of data between devices, so kids can exchange songs and videos, or plot the demise of an adult. The $105 device is made from materials harmless to their rugrat bodies and the phone is apparently shielded against electromagnetic waves, so you do not have to worry about your kid’s brain being fried. This would go well with the Sweetpea MP3 player he/she has already drooled all over.

Stores and malls in England have been using an ultrasonic device known as the Mosquito Alarm to keep kids from loitering. Because everyone knows that kids are just large insects with ipods and skateboards. It emits a high-frequency noise which is audible and unfriendly to young ears, but people over 20 usually can’t hear it. (I know there’s a Logan’s Run joke there somewhere.)

This is the same frequency that kids have been using for their cellphone rings, so older people don’t know when they have incoming calls. Anyway, there is now an uproar from the children’s commission for England and groups like civil liberties group Liberty. Their campaign is called “Buzz Off”. The device effects everyone under 25, and guess what? That includes babies. Then they site that it discriminates against all kids, whether they’re bad seeds or not. Obviously, they have some valid points. I propose that anyone who turns 30 needs to be introduced to carousel and euthanized. Should they run, a sandman needs to be dispatched who can shout, “We’ve got a runner.” and go for their blaster. Ah…There’s the joke.

The Potty Watch from Potty Time is designed to help young parents potty train their kids without having to go potty themselves. The watch is worn by the toddler, and plays music and flashes lights in 30, 60 or 90 minute intervals and then resets itself automatically.

When the lights flash, that’s the signal to drop what they’re doing and head towards the potty. What an amazing concept, you not only teach the little rug-rat to go potty, but you teach him that gadgets are fun. Next thing you know, you have bred a good little consumer.(Who can relieve themselves no less) The only downside that I see is if they become too dependant on the watch as they grow. Just imagine in 20-30 years, as businessmen and women everywhere rush to the bathroom the minute their watch beeps.