UPDATE: Turns out this is a hoax.

Is your girlfriend telling you that you are not up to the challenge in the bedroom? Do you need some kind of lovemaking coach? This completely ridiculous product wants to train you in the art of love. The LoveTrainer, from Sega (which looks incredibly similar to the FiTrainer from iTami) is basically a set of headphones that you and your awkward lover wear in the bedroom. It plays music and helps you along with such inspirational statements as “The foreplay, will now begin!” and “You are making love, at a very good pace!”

Look, if you need this device, you should never ever touch a fellow human being, because you are some sort of human abomination, in the bedroom and out. That goes for you and your lame lover. Seriously, the pair of you should just invest in some old fashioned porn. If that still doesn’t teach you, then please stop trying to reproduce.

The Immersion scarf will instantly make you look like Snuffleupagus, wearing what amounts to a long erect snout on your face. The idea is that you will always be able to see those important text messages, even in direct bright sunlight. You could probably also play your PSP, or watch the iPod videos too.

Just understand that the humanity around you will be thoroughly creeped the hell out. Seeing one or two of these snout creatures on a park bench would freak me out and make me run home, where I would try to figure out if I was really in some tripped out David Lynch movie or not.

This is the kind of phone that will appeal to two types. Women who have closets full of way too expensive shoes, and those who have a foot fetish. Of course they made it pink. Women love pink right? Just like they love high heel shoes. No doubt made by a man, but pink enough for a woman. You freaky shoe/foot fetishists will enjoy caressing it and rubbing it all over your face, even licking it’s length. Which is disturbing to the rest of us, so please stop. But if you must, the price is $22. Just realize that pink shoe phones are not acceptable to society.

For those who want to stay dry on a rainy day and at the same time look like an idiot, I present to you the UFO Cap. It’s sort of like a hat/upper body hoop skirt type condom…Flying Nun thing. It probably works really well, but I’m sure it also makes people shout, “Hey condom head”.

And that packaging doesn’t exactly sell me on the idea of using it in my daily life. I mean what’s with the two little unused condom looking critters in the lower right? Are they gonna hump? That’s just wrong.