Look, I don’t care how rotten your kid has been. Nobody deserves these creepy MP3 dolls for children. Give them coal in their stocking if you must, but spare them the trauma that this wicked pair will cause. There’s not a whole lot of info about these unbalanced and obviously devious dolls, but their names are Man-Man and Niu Niu.

The controls are in the hands and feet, and they feature an automatic shutdown, you know, in case you catch them cornering your kid with a knife, while blasting the latest Britney Spears ear-rape. The MP3 players are hidden in the guts of the dolls. This fright-fest comes hot on the heels of H-Bouya, another creep-gadget that will have your kids shaking in the corner like a crack-addict and asking “Why daddy, why?”

Now ladies, I’m not saying that some of you can be hard to live with during that special time of the month when Aunt Flow comes to visit. I’m not saying you can get a little cranky and yell and curse at a man until he’s just a hollow shell of himself. I wouldn’t do that. Why, I didn’t even comment when that Wiimote sailed past my head and stuck into the drywall like a dagger in Mario-land. No, I’m not saying anything.

It’s the makers of the PMS Teddy Swear Bear that are saying it. It’s cute and pink and looks cuddly. Like you. That’s where the similarities end. Really. The bear has mood swings and says things like “I Will F$%$%!king destroy you”. So this bear obviously isn’t for kids. It will arrive in stores this November for $29.99. I’m not saying you can identify with her boiling red-hot rage. Now how did my clothes end up all over the front lawn?

File this one under Strong Enough For A Man But Made For A Woman…We’ve seen the evil that is the Hello Kitty brand on almost everything. Here it is in it’s toughest manly form ever… On a power sander. Um, let me just say that if I hired a construction contractor and he showed up with Hello Kitty tools, my faith in the structural soundness of anything he built would go out the window.

Would such a man even be able to get employees? I don’t know, but I’d be willing to bet that he’s got a pink laptop. In fact, the more I think about it, the more disturbed I am by such a man. Further proof that we aren’t exactly breeding any John Waynes these days.

This is probably a hoax, but if not then I’m sure this was given to Tenacious D by the devil, so they can keep in touch and have more rock-offs. Aside from being obviously horny, it claims to have a stunning 666 days of standby time.

I don’t know about that, but this handset has a 32,800mAh “super battery” and features a dual SIM, GSM900/DCS1800 support and a 3″ display. It retails for $128, but you can probably work something out where you save the money and sign away your soul.