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PeaceKeeper: Handbag and weapon in one

Posted in Weapons by Conner Flynn on July 5th, 2009

PeaceKeeper: Handbag and weapon in oneIf you gals are looking for that ultimate accessory that’s fashionable and will keep you safe, look no further. The PeaceKeeper handbag will cost you $85. It will cost any attackers a broken jaw. It’s essentially a large pair of brass knuckles attached to a purse.

So when the creep appears in the alley, telling you to give him your purse, he’ll get it alright. If he manages to get away, just check the local hospital as this is sure to do some damage.

The Apache: The ultimate in 19th century weaponry

Posted in Weapons by Conner Flynn on April 28th, 2009

The Apache: The ultimate in 19th century weaponryMeet the Apache. A triple threat weapon from a more civilized? age. What you get is a gun/brass knuckles/knife combo that will keep you safe on the streets circa 1870 – 1900. It’s absolutely brilliant and functions in a three step process when you encounter hooligans.

Step one. Shoot. If you miss and your attacker rushes you then move on to step two which is to hit him with the brass knuckles. Should one blow fail to stop your attacker and you find yourself wrestling about ala kirk from Star Trek, then it’s time for step three. Knife that sucker. Done. Thank god you had the Apache.

Blast Knuckles deliver 950,000 volts

Posted in Weapons by Conner Flynn on December 21st, 2008

Blast Knuckles deliver 950,000 voltsSo, it’s time to upgrade from the Umbuster Umbrella as it’s only appropriate for breaking jaws in the rain. But what could deliver more destruction in a more compact package? Well, the Blast Knuckles will deliver a promised stun power of 950,000 volts. That’s enough to shock a cartoon soul right out of anybody and watch it play the harp all the way up to heaven.

If you use these, I would advise running like hell and changing your name as you will probably be charged with murder soon. Seriously, this is insane. Only use this in self defense and don’t zap yourself. Appropriately, the blast knuckles aren’t legal in all fifty states in the US, though you could probably still buy it for $50.

Umbuster Umbrella now available, ready to bust heads

Posted in Weapons by Conner Flynn on November 24th, 2008

Umbuster Umbrella now available, ready to bust headsRemember the Umbuster? That umbrella that keeps you dry and provides a handy pair of brass knuckles is actually available for sale now. It has gone from concept to actual product, making rainy nights far more dangerous around the world.

Feel free to now equate rain with pain my friends. Old man and woman crime against the young will soar. I actually fear rainstorms now. It will cost you $287 and may give rise to gangs of elderly bullies walking wet streets, swinging these things around like beat cops itchin’ for some action.

Umbuster Umbrella breaks jaws, keeps you dry

Posted in Weapons by Conner Flynn on August 14th, 2008

Umbuster Umbrella breaks jaws, keeps you dry
Whether you’re an off duty Ninja just staying out of the rain, or that guy from the Avengers, the Umbuster umbrella should keep you protected by giving you a pair of brass knuckles. Even though these aren’t brass. Instead you have a choice of wood or aluminum finish.

I’m not sure how easy it is to hit another guy with the bottom part of an umbrella while open though. Wouldn’t you hit yourself with the top part as you swung at your enemy? I would recommend this for little old ladies. They need to protect themselves, plus they just plain love hitting people with purses and stuff. You can get the Umbuster in October for about $330.