John Lennon said that happiness is a warm gun. While a nerd will tell you that happiness can be found in the warm touch of a boob mouse on a quiet evening after the comic books have all been read and his acne has been quietly put to bed under a blanket of clearasil.

A torso mouse can bring a nerd joy, sure. But only a true boob mouse and mouse pad can turn him from a boy into a man…child. The price is $38. Click away and dream my friend. Make comments like, “Oh, it must be chilly in here.” then laugh like Urkel and hide it from your mom. Say, she’s got some pretty wide hips there.

For those who want navigate while pawing a woman’s body, this is for you. If you already have a female in your life chances are you’ll get smacked and live on the couch for a week. If you are alone and buying this, good luck finding a real woman. These mice have no heads or limbs so you can concentrate all your pervy attention on the naughty bits.

Right and left click the boobs to your hearts content. It comes in two varieties: lingerie torso and cropped World Cup t-shirt torso. Both wear lacy painted underwear and have actual different names that go with their nationality. They’ll cost you $45, which is nothing to you since you aren’t spending it on a real woman.

Objects in motion are great for making energy and since boobs bounce around a fair bit while women are exercising, what better way to charge gadgets. It would probably be made of elastic so that it gets even more motion. That’s great for onlookers and energy.

Then you would want it layered in such a way that you could insert nanowire fabric to generate electricity from motion. A small piston could even be used to get more juice. Sure, there are a bunch of obstacles to overcome, but I think it’s a worthy endeavor as we strive for more energy.