It’s that time of year again. Time to celebrate love and shower that special someone with gifts like roses,jewelry, fine wine and chocolates. If you’re going to give that special geek someone candy and chocolates this year why not tie it all in with their favorite hobby? The Wii. Give them some chocolate Miis.

They come in white, milk, or dark chocolate flavors of both male and female. It even comes packaged in a box that looks like a Wii. Give a geek this gift and they will be yours forever. Only $19.95 and for each purchase they will donate a $1 to the Child’s Play Charity.

Colonoscopies are not fun. They require nakedness with another man in the room(meaning your doctor). Even if you have a female doc, that’s just as bad. It’s all like a strange consensual alien abduction, only your memory isn’t erased. Sadly, they’re very necessary and can detect and prevent colon cancer. But there has to be a better way.

Wait. There is. Just do the procedure yourself with this harmless looking gadget that bears a lightning bolt and the name of a crap beer. A few beers before hand might be a good idea, before you get all up in your own business. And hey, you’ll feel better about it since you can use this thing in all kinds of dark tight places, not just your fat can.

It’s Friday night. You’re home in your nerd pajamas and waiting for your favorite geek show to come on the Sci-Fi channel. You have a coke chilling in your Tardis micro-fridge. Champagne is chilling in your Tardis ice bucket, you know, just in case that hot neighbor chick who doesn’t know you exist, shows up looking for company. You’ve already tried to lure her in your shed, to no avail.

The only thing left to do is make sure your gadgets are charged up and plugged into your 4 port Tardis USB hub. You can’t help but contemplate your loneliness while sampling it’s authentic sound effects. Yep, $29.99 was a steal. The shows coming on. Then it will be time to argue on some forums and then it’s time to sleep the cold and lonely sleep of the geek. For tomorrow you set out on your quest to find some female friends.

The streets can be unsafe anywhere these days and you can’t take your safety for granted, especially if you are a woman. You can always have some mace or a taser handy, but as some added protection you may want to pack a loud alarm on your person to scare the bad guy off and alert those nearby that you are in trouble.

That’s where this device comes in handy. The Ila Personal Alarm is named after the Hindu goddess of voice and the device will omit a 130 decibel shriek that sounds like a female scream. At £19.50 it’s not a huge purchase and it’s a small price to pay for safety. It could save your life.

John Lennon said that happiness is a warm gun. While a nerd will tell you that happiness can be found in the warm touch of a boob mouse on a quiet evening after the comic books have all been read and his acne has been quietly put to bed under a blanket of clearasil.

A torso mouse can bring a nerd joy, sure. But only a true boob mouse and mouse pad can turn him from a boy into a man…child. The price is $38. Click away and dream my friend. Make comments like, “Oh, it must be chilly in here.” then laugh like Urkel and hide it from your mom. Say, she’s got some pretty wide hips there.

StarTech.com unveiled today its new USB to VGA 4-in-1 Docking Station. This laptop computer accessory is priced around $130.

The USB to VGA 4-in-1 Docking Station houses, according to StarTech.com, “a DB15 High Density (female) VGA port, as well as four USB A (female) ports, one USB Mini B (female) port, one RJ45 (Female) 10/100Mbps network port, and two 3.5mm audio (mic, line out) ports.” A single USB connection is all that seems necessary to access all of these ports.

Is it just me or would anyone be a little weirded out by these shower companion things? One looks like a pink female body which isn’t too bad, but the next one in line is kinda bowing down like he’s gonna finish you off. The strange blue blob starfish thing makes me want to get out of the shower real quick and so does the Panda. I would just like to shower in peace thank you.

The panels are created by an Italian company called Colacril and they will add a splash of…something to your decor. Maybe fear or paranoia. I don’t see much showertime fun here. The last thing I need while taking a shower is some Panda staring at me as if my man parts are bamboo. I’m old fashioned that way.

So everyone and their dog are playing Guitar Hero, but what about your neighbor Ned Flanders? What with Rock and Roll being charged with sex, drugs and everything a good Christian could hate, it’s great for heathens, but what about little Rod and Todd? How is good old Reverend Lovejoy going to rock in his spare time and still be holier then thou?

Enter Guitar Praise, sure to be the boring-est, most goody two shoes, and holiest answer to Guitar Hero yet. I can’t confirm this, but I’m thinking you can unlock heroes from the 700 Club complete with polyester suit as well as big haired female pitchmen who will praise the lord, ask for donations and then rock your socks off with no suggestive or lewd content whatsoever. The game will be coming soon to Mac and PC for $100. It’s bundled with one wireless guitar, that surprisingly doesn’t sport a cross on the end and there’s a long list of exciting music from people you don’t know.

While everyone else is trying to get your dollars by offering various colored laptops or laptops with art prints on them, Asus is taking it one step further by offering a dimension not of sight or sound, but smell. ASUS has a new line of fragrant laptops.

It gets better.(Or worse depending on your perspective) The fragrance will match the graphics, so that as you work the day away, you can trick your nose into thinking you are at the beach or something. It’s aimed more toward female users though, with four special edition laptops. Floral Blossom is pink and flowery, Musky Black sports graffiti art emits a…earthy musk; Morning Dew comes in pastel green and probably doesn’t emit Mountain Dew odor, while Aqua Ocean smells like the sea. Pretty strange. No price yet, but you’ll smell it coming.

For those who want navigate while pawing a woman’s body, this is for you. If you already have a female in your life chances are you’ll get smacked and live on the couch for a week. If you are alone and buying this, good luck finding a real woman. These mice have no heads or limbs so you can concentrate all your pervy attention on the naughty bits.

Right and left click the boobs to your hearts content. It comes in two varieties: lingerie torso and cropped World Cup t-shirt torso. Both wear lacy painted underwear and have actual different names that go with their nationality. They’ll cost you $45, which is nothing to you since you aren’t spending it on a real woman.

If you’re the kind of gamer that looks more like an evil super villain while sitting in your chair with all of your screens and peripherals, then here’s something to complete the theme. This gaming table from Digital Edge should help you clean up your act and keep your gaming in one central location.

It was designed specifically with CH Products controllers in mind, with three levels of shelf space for all your stuff and room enough for three monitors. You’ll only need a chair. And the female in your life will be more then happy with this $379 purchase since you are actually cleaning up your act for once instead of making a mess. Am I right guys?

Hey look, Richard Simmons’ new watch. The MioPINK Motiva heart rate monitor watch comes in a very female Richard Simmons-friendly pink. It features an EKG monitor that keeps an eye on your heart rate while also showing the time and date on the LED display. If that’s not enough, it will count of your daily calorie intake too so you can stay trim. 10% of the $89 purchase will be donated to breast cancer research.

Professional gaming gear manufacturer is making available a new bundle for all those lady gamers out there. It is called the Iron.Lady Bundle and you’ll find it pricing around $100.

The SteelSeries Iron.Lady Bundle consists of a special SteelSeries mouse, mouse pad and branded wristband. The mouse is one of the company’s Ikari mice. It operates at 1,000Hz and allows for hardware-based counts per inch (CPI) adjustments in increments of one, allowing for “precise adjustments…with a small LCD screen located on the bottom of the device which displays CPI.”

Today, Sega Toys announced their plans to start selling a new humanoid robot in Japan, named E.M.A., on September 26th. E.M.A. stands for “Eternal, Maiden, Actualization” Translated that means, “Hi nerd. Here’s your new companion.”

The robot is of the female persuasion and stands at 38 cm tall. According to Sega, the E.M.A. is special because of her “glamorous body” and because she’s highly interactive. (Translation:Only a nerd could love that body and she kinda puts out.) She’ll sing and dance, hand out your business cards, even walk “like a lady”. I wasn’t kidding when I said she puts out. She won’t go all the way, though I’m sure some of you will force the issue, but she will kiss you if your head comes into close contact with her. That’s when the love mode switches on.

I don’t know about you, but some iPod accessories just rub me the wrong way, are just plain annoying, not mention overpriced. Example: These iPod T-Shirts. They come in a variety of designs to appeal to both males and females of the species, but that really doesn’t help. I have no desire to part with my money at all.

Would you want to wear this? They just attached earbuds and a pocket to hold the device. They did go out of their way to be environmentally friendly though, since the shirts are made from cotton and bamboo. The $70 price tag is just too much for a crappy shirt.