This version of the Falcon is squished, probably from your fat butt sliding down hills. The Falcon has seen better days that’s for sure. But sadly, this is as close as you are likely to get, to really being able to ride the Falcon. You’ll be riding on, not in.

The Millennium Falcon sled is basically a souped-up saucer sled that allows older geeks to have some winter fun outside and be pointed at by young kids who have cooler sleds that don’t look like a flattened cartoon spaceship. It’s pretty expensive for a saucer sled at $34.99, but hell, it’s shaped like the Millennium Falcon.

These Yoda Christmas Lights are awesome. Hang them on your tree, in your cubicle, over your bed, on your patio, hell decorate your fake lightsaber. This string of Jedi Master Christmas lights is available just in time for the holidays. Only $29.95 for 10 light-up Yodas on a 10-foot UL listed cord.

The only way it gets better is if they talked. “Naughty or nice be you?” “Judge me by my Christmas lights do you?” Your tree will suddenly be filled with ancient Jedi wisdom. And just like the movies, none of these 10 light up Yodas will tell you that Leia is your sister until you’ve already kissed her. Wise, but useless.

Not since the Steampunk R2-D2 have we been so shocked to see the droid in a whole new way. But this time it’s droid blasphemy really. Now the robot holds a 1 3/4-gallon aquarium tank in his central compartment. We always knew there was something fishy about R2, but damned if this doesn’t make us sad. Astromech droids were not made to be used as aquariums people. I don’t care how bad the prequels are.

The domed head rotates with vocal commands and he beeps just like in the movies. But if Luke had this model with him in the Death Star, he would have had to stop and feed fish every so often. The radar eye houses the eyepiece to a built-in periscope that provides an intimate view of the tank.

I’m not sure which is more awesome, this Vader toaster or the old Cylon toaster. Hey, that’s why bread has two sides. Start your day with a breakfast branded with the image of the dark side’s lead spokesperson. As Luke would say, “There’s still good in him, I taste it.” This toaster will cost you $55 and you’ll be cleaning up Salacious Crumbs. How’s that for a bad nerd joke?

Open letter to George Lucas: Please get a new hobby. Indy is just recovering from your brutal raping of him as you prepare to do it again in Indy V. You raped a Sarlacc Pitt sized hole in the Star Wars universe with Jar-Jar alone. And the merchandise that you approve gets crappier by the day. This Star Wars TV/DVD with Lightsaber Remote is a cheap plastic piece of turd that makes me feel sad. Even the lightsaber remote doesn’t help it. Please George, take up poker or backgammon, maybe bowling. We have suffered enough.

Jedi can bowl a perfect game every time by using the force, no balls are necessary. But since you haven’t apprenticed under Yoda, you could use some help. These Brunswick Star Wars Viz-a-Ball bowling balls may be just what you need to give your game a boost while simultaneously getting laughed at by those around you.

Or maybe not. You may just be trading a plain gutter ball for a fancy gutter ball. They’ll cost you between $92-$120 each. There’s Yoda, C-3PO, Darth Vader and even a Darth Maul ball. Who knows, before you know it you may be joining the Bespin Bowling League and low-fiving Ugnaughts. (I apologize for that nerd joke and regret that I even know what an Ugnaut is)

Papercraft is all the rage and we’ve seen some pretty cool stuff built into paper versions. This may be one of the coolest things yet. Imagine if you will an army of paper Stormtroopers. That’s scary. Now imagine an army of just their heads. That’s a dark-side nightmare. And it will surely happen when people realize that they can make their own.

You have to download .PDO papercraft files and a papercraft program called Pepakura Designer in to view them. Looks like they are in iPod Nano colors. You can download them here. Just make a bunch in different colors and decorate your room or something.

We’ve all seen the movie The Exorcist. Remember when Linda Blair’s head spun around? This is a lot like that, but with Vader and a Stormtrooper. And minus the messy green vomit. At first I passed on showing you these, but then I thought about it and realized that decapitated spinning Star Wars heads have got to be awesome. My God how I would love to torment Jar-Jar’s head, but alas, that’s not an option.

They’ll come in very handy if you are in a noisy environment or if you’re phone is on silent. If you get a call, heads won’t roll, they’ll spin. $9 a head. Might be nice to have the head of George Lucas himself, considering all he has done to the franchise. Yeah, I’d like to watch that one spin for a while.

Don’t we always have you covered on the latest Star Wars stuff? Does an ewok poop in the Forest of Endor? Yes and yes. I present to you a Darth Vader that’s been bronzed heavier then George Hamilton in the Bahamas. It’s the work of Lawrence Noble and will cost you $18,000. The limited edition weighs in at 4 feet tall and 150 lbs.

I don’t know what you would do with it aside from admiring it’s bronz-i-ness. I suppose you could kneel before it and profess your love of the dark side and ask your master what his bidding is for you on that day. I guess you could sit it across from a statue of the Virgin Mary and call the news when they both start to cry, then charge for admission. That’s what I would do. Lord Vader is available from the official Star Wars webshop.

Only Darth Vader could be so evil as to offer up a radio/CD player combo in the age of digital music. Such is the dark side. The crappy sound quality will make you suffer, suffering will lead to hate, hate will lead to anger and anger will lead to fear and before you know it you’re the latest Sith apprentice. Still, there’s always something cool about having Darth Vader’s helmet nearby.

And despite the fact that it plays CDs and offers the radio, it does have the option to connect your MP3 player so I guess it’s not all that bad. It’s got six buttons to control the music plus two apparently hidden inside the mouth for some reason. As an added bonus, when you play a CD you can see it spinning in Vader’s eyes with have red LEDs. Requires 6 x LR14 batteries. The price? $88 Yeah, Vader is evil. Am I gonna pay $88 for a CD player? I think not.

You might have noticed that the Clone Wars movie got some pretty bad reviews. So it’s not really a surprise that they’ve been pushing all kinds of Clone Wars merchandise in an attempt to make some extra money so George Lucas can get that new flannel shirt he’s had his eye on.

This is the ISpeaker. It uses a flat panel speaker and is compatible with iPod, iPhone and other MP3 players. It features Captain Rex from the Clone Wars and seems almost as lame as the movie. Small kids might like it, but your average Star Wars geek will probaly want to pass. It’s powered by 4 AAA batteries. The Clone Wars iSpeaker is available for $19. The lightsaber stylus for the DS is only $7.99 and a lot cooler.

This R2-D2 compact fridge is hot as tatooine outside and cold as the ice planet Hoth inside, so it will impress your friends and keep your food fresh. It was made back in 2002 as a promotional item for an Attack of the Clones contest held at 7-11 Stores in Japan. Apparently only 1000 of these rare refrigerators were ever made, making it a hot and cool collectible at the same time.

Luckily for you, you can buy one from Toyeast for $1070. Of course, that is probably your grocery money so you won’t have anything to put in it. Empty or not, you’ll have your own astromech droid. Now you’ll just need an X-Wing to put him in.

Here’s something for the three or four of you who still love Star Wars after seeing the new Clone Wars movie. The Darth Vader MP3 Player we showed you awhile back had a pretty small storage capacity. This new Clone Wars device is still lacking in that department, but at least you’ll have a bit more space with its built-in 1GB of memory.

It features 3 different face plates so you can customize the imagery according to your various geek moods and comes with Music Express computer software. It will cost you $59.99 and should keep you without a woman in your life for the foreseeable future.

The manufacturer claims that this $45 Star Wars USB Lightsabre is a lamp that connects to the USB port to charge up its battery and glows in the dark with a blue light, is “a lamp”. At 33 x 6cm, that’s not much of a lamp. It’s a toy, plain and simple. Jedis are shrunk down to tiny proportions and put into a ring for an all out death match, where they use these babies to slash each other to bits. I’m not entirely sold on the fact that such a small lightsaber can be fun for my desk, but since it glows and all, it must be true.

This Star Wars Tie Fighter webcam perches on your monitor because it knows about your plans to blow up the Death Star. Thats because the TIE Fighter Advanced X1 webcam is not just a Tie Fighter, it’s Vader’s Tie Fighter.

The pint sized dark side vehicle captures audio, video and images, and also lights up and features digitized sound effects taken directly from the Star Wars movies. Wesco Limited has started production on them, and you can pre-order them now for about $42 USD. This will likely end up in your rain gutter chasing an X-Wing as you pretend it’s the Death Star Trench. You know the force compels you to order one, so hop to it.