You’ve got your Fancy replica lightsaber, your pajamas and you attend all the conventions. You cross dress and wear your hair in Leia buns. Remember that surgery you considered to make yourself look more like Jar Jar? Despite all of that you can’t actually live in the Star Wars universe. But you can eat like you do.

With the help of the Star Wars cookbooks, you’ll be making Wookiee Cookies, Jedi Juice Bars, Dark Side Salsa, Boba Fett-Uccine, and more. Rachael Ray ain’t gonna show you how to make these dishes. Two volumes full of recipes from a galaxy far far away.

Say you’re a rebel stationed on the ice planet Hoth. You venture from the safety of Echo base to find your missing friend. You’re locked out because they secure the base at night. So, you find your friend and he’s injured.

You have two options: Either slice open the belly of a Tauntaun and put your friend in it’s warm belly(Ewww!) or warm him up with this Tauntaun sleeping bag. I vote the sleeping bad, because we all know that Tauntauns smell even worse on the inside.

You can buy anything and everything Star Wars if you are an extreme geek, but this here ship is so awesome, it beats all of them. This seven foot long model of the Calamari Cruiser from Return of The Jedi was built by Thomas Benedikt who used 30,500 Lego pieces. It took about 11 months to get it complete with all that detail. That’s 52 pounds of Lego.

The end cost was $5500. And it does more than just look awesome too. It also has an integrated lighting system for cool effects. Thomas Benedikt is obviously a huge fan as well as super talented.

Sure, that AT-AT walker from the other day was awesome and all, but what if you like your AT-AT audio to be a bit more modern? And gilded? Then this one is likely to be more up your alley.

It’s basically an AT-AT toy with an electronic turntable glued to the side and spray painted gold. For some reason a golden Darth Vader and Yoda are riding up front, while the iPod sits in the butt area. Surely this is what happens when the Empire goes all gangsta on your ass. You get a slow drive-by walk-by with this beast poppin a cap in you.

While the AT-AT boombox is easily stopped by a headphones cord wrapped around the legs, it will destroy the morale of any rebels within earshot. Hoth bases easily fall to this beast when it’s cranking some Barry Manillow or Yanni.

This thing not only looks like an AT-AT Walker from the Star Wars movies, it actually functions as a boombox, complete with tape deck, speakers, and antennas.

So, you’re a kid who’s into Star Wars. I apologize on Lucas’ behalf for a crappy second trilogy. You deserved better. But hey, if you’re into it you obviously don’t ask for much. Might as well enjoy these crappy Clone Trooper Walkie Talkie watches that are just as sub-par as the latest movies. They’re great for communicating with your fellow trooper while on your various Jedi killing missions.

There’s no word on what kind of range you’ll get with these. Probably two feet. You’ll have these on your wrists while you are yelling at each other and giving away your plans. A set of two will cost you $29.99. And look, they match your Clone Trooper laptop.

If Anakin Skywalker had lived during WWII, this is very probably what his helmet would have looked like. You can easily see a gas-masked Vader carrying out Hitler’s orders. It was made for The Vader Project, which features custom Darth Vader helmets, by Tristan Eaton and AZK ONE. Behold the Darth Vader Gas Mask! You can almost hear the familiar breathing as he breaths in clean filtered air.

The Vader Project is curated by Dov Kelemer and Sarah Jo Marks of DKE Toys. Kelemer and Marks gathered up almost 100 underground and surrealist painters, artists , and designers to participate. Each artist was given a 1:1 scale authentic prop replica of the actual Darth Vader helmet used in the films. Each artist was free to paint, design, mash up, and customize the helmet.

Damn. Look at that X-Wing’s guns. Kind of makes the whole flying through the Death Star trench scene a tad wrong. What you see here is the $20 Weenie Wing Commander. It’s mission in life is to keep your your hot dogs from burning. It avoids copyright violation very skillfully. Put a bunch on the grill and re-enact all your favorite scenes in glorious pork.

The only thing missing here is a spot to park your astro-pork droid. So, you’ll just have to cut the tip off a wiener and put in place where R2 goes. The Weenie Wing Commander. Protecting hot dogs at geek barbecues everywhere next summer.

This fun clock features a different starship or fighter on every hour of the clock, handmade by Etsy seller YOUgNeek, and you can order a customized version. They used tiny action fleet Micro Machine battleships and vessels. The ships are specially re-finished in a pewter color scheme so that they’ll match the clock’s chrome finish.

If you want different Star Wars vehicles, just request them and have $89.99 ready. I’m guessing that a Star Trek version is coming soon.

This version of the Falcon is squished, probably from your fat butt sliding down hills. The Falcon has seen better days that’s for sure. But sadly, this is as close as you are likely to get, to really being able to ride the Falcon. You’ll be riding on, not in.

The Millennium Falcon sled is basically a souped-up saucer sled that allows older geeks to have some winter fun outside and be pointed at by young kids who have cooler sleds that don’t look like a flattened cartoon spaceship. It’s pretty expensive for a saucer sled at $34.99, but hell, it’s shaped like the Millennium Falcon.

These Yoda Christmas Lights are awesome. Hang them on your tree, in your cubicle, over your bed, on your patio, hell decorate your fake lightsaber. This string of Jedi Master Christmas lights is available just in time for the holidays. Only $29.95 for 10 light-up Yodas on a 10-foot UL listed cord.

The only way it gets better is if they talked. “Naughty or nice be you?” “Judge me by my Christmas lights do you?” Your tree will suddenly be filled with ancient Jedi wisdom. And just like the movies, none of these 10 light up Yodas will tell you that Leia is your sister until you’ve already kissed her. Wise, but useless.

Not since the Steampunk R2-D2 have we been so shocked to see the droid in a whole new way. But this time it’s droid blasphemy really. Now the robot holds a 1 3/4-gallon aquarium tank in his central compartment. We always knew there was something fishy about R2, but damned if this doesn’t make us sad. Astromech droids were not made to be used as aquariums people. I don’t care how bad the prequels are.

The domed head rotates with vocal commands and he beeps just like in the movies. But if Luke had this model with him in the Death Star, he would have had to stop and feed fish every so often. The radar eye houses the eyepiece to a built-in periscope that provides an intimate view of the tank.

I’m not sure which is more awesome, this Vader toaster or the old Cylon toaster. Hey, that’s why bread has two sides. Start your day with a breakfast branded with the image of the dark side’s lead spokesperson. As Luke would say, “There’s still good in him, I taste it.” This toaster will cost you $55 and you’ll be cleaning up Salacious Crumbs. How’s that for a bad nerd joke?

Open letter to George Lucas: Please get a new hobby. Indy is just recovering from your brutal raping of him as you prepare to do it again in Indy V. You raped a Sarlacc Pitt sized hole in the Star Wars universe with Jar-Jar alone. And the merchandise that you approve gets crappier by the day. This Star Wars TV/DVD with Lightsaber Remote is a cheap plastic piece of turd that makes me feel sad. Even the lightsaber remote doesn’t help it. Please George, take up poker or backgammon, maybe bowling. We have suffered enough.

Jedi can bowl a perfect game every time by using the force, no balls are necessary. But since you haven’t apprenticed under Yoda, you could use some help. These Brunswick Star Wars Viz-a-Ball bowling balls may be just what you need to give your game a boost while simultaneously getting laughed at by those around you.

Or maybe not. You may just be trading a plain gutter ball for a fancy gutter ball. They’ll cost you between $92-$120 each. There’s Yoda, C-3PO, Darth Vader and even a Darth Maul ball. Who knows, before you know it you may be joining the Bespin Bowling League and low-fiving Ugnaughts. (I apologize for that nerd joke and regret that I even know what an Ugnaut is)