In these trying economic times, as the divide between the rich and the poor grows ever greater, the rich need to protect themselves. Landing comfortably safe with your golden parachute may have protected you when you ran your bank into the ground, but it won’t keep you safe from the angry villagers with torches.

Or worse, guns. Joe six-pack is pretty pissed at guys like you, dontcha know. This polo shirt from Caballero will protect you from their bullets while letting you look casual. It will protect you from a 9mm pistol, so that you may live to gorge yourself on the American financial system one more day. $12,000 is nothing my wealthy friend. You’ve earned the bullets, so get yourself a bullet-proof shirt.

The UV Intensity Bikini obviously looks just as awesome as any other bikini on a smoking body. But aside from that, it sports some beads that act as UV level indicators that’ll tell you when it’s ok to get more sun or when you’ve had enough. They turn a darker purple as they’re exposed to more UV rays.

It’s a great way to protect against UV rays and avoid skin cancer, while at the same time giving guys like me some eye-candy. It costs about $99, which is just a wee bit more expensive then your average bikini. I would like to volunteer my services as bead checker for any woman who needs it. I’m here for ya. I will gladly help you care for your new bikini-tech too. They can be tricky to get off.

The Stormtrooper hoodie is what you want to have on hand when rescuing Princesses from the Death Star. Imperial officers and Stormtroopers aren’t too bright so once you zip up the front mask part you’re good to go. They’ll probably just think the Emperor is phasing in softer armor.

It’s also available in Bobba Fett style. It’s great Halloween-ware. During the day it’s a casual geek hoodie, but come Halloween night just zip it up and get yourself some candy, no matter what your age. As long as they don’t ask to see your face, it’s all good.

I guess necklaces just got a bulky and zippy upgrade. Normally they are shiny and sparkly and made from expensive stuff. The Zipper necklace is just what it sounds like, a necklace made entirely out of zippers. Tons of zippers. But if one is wearing a Zipper necklace, is your fly always open or closed? I’m assuming the price isn’t too far out there since zippers can be found on practically every crotch and coat in the world. All I know is that if my wife was wearing this and asked me to zip her up, I’d be really confused.

It’s a conundrum that has plagued musicians for years. You love your keyboard, but it’s just too big to take with you. That’s why some forward thinking geek took it upon himself to create these gloves instead of make love to a girl. The Fingertip Keyboard Gloves are probably a good way to keep your kids busy and out of your hair while they try to make music. They play musical notes when the fingertips are tapped against almost any flat surface.

Apparently, individual gloves can play an entire octave in the key of C, and pressing the heel of the hand will change the middle three fingers to final notes A, B and C. Both gloves are hooked up to an speaker via a wire, which should give you enough volume for a small concert in your personal space. The device charges via USB and costs $69.95. Now that these gloves have arrived, it’s time to hook them up to a video game like Guitar Hero so we can watch Beethoven rock out to your jams.

Winter is on it’s way and text addicts will want to be prepared. When it gets cold, you’ll either have to pull your gloves off just to tap out a text message, or you can use Dots gloves and remain warm while texting away. Dots gloves are gloves with…dots on the fingers. The manufacturer says they won’t scratch your touchscreen. You can get a pair, with a choice of several colors for $10. No matter how could it gets you’ll be living up to your full human potential with all of your usual deep philosophical banter of rotf’s, lol’s, omg’s and omfg’s.

If you absolutely have to keep your pants up, and I recommend that you do so that you don’t get acquainted with police, these video game belt buckles are the best way to do it. Each one is handmade by artist Natalie Hutcheson and is full of famous retro video game action, such as Donkey Kong, Ms. Pac-Man and more.

They’re made with brass-toned metal, inlaid with sparkling metallic game graphics, then coated with a durable industrial epoxy finish. These are probably the coolest belt buckles I’ve seen in my entire geek life. And they’re only $18 each. Now, if someone would just create an LED Pac-Man belt that can zip around my waist chasing ghosts, my life would be complete.

The iLogic Sound Hat actually lives up to it’s name by being fairly logical. It eliminates the need for headphones or earbuds, with the added benefit of keeping you warm and in style if your style is a plain beanie hat with a fake equalizer on it.

The speakers fit snugly over your ears and it’s lined with comfortable fleece. Just put it on and connect it to your iPod or mp3 player. Forget hassling with earbuds and carrying around headphones. Plus, others still won’t be able to hear whatever it is you listen to.

The time is now for a LEGO backpack my fellow geeks. What with back to school and all. Obviously it’s awesome because it looks like a LEGO brick, but just think, it not only will carry your schoolbooks, but you can also fill it up with LEGOS so you can easily transport all your bricks and build something cool wherever you go.

I know what you’re thinking. Won’t I look uncool? Won’t I get beat up if I wear that? You just might and that’s not my problem. But I figure if you’ve got nerd nads enough to buy this thing, you probably have no problem wearing it whatever the consequences. Each of the little “brick nipples”(Hey, what do you call them?) is an individual zippered storage compartment, so it’s got plenty of storage.

I’m really not sure what this proves, but if you modify a woman’s bra I’m there. Sarah Layne has created what she calls a “Digital Bra.” She wanted a bra that could send out feedback noises. Hey, after a few beers and coppin a feel, I would have given her some feedback. Am I right guys? Anyway, the noises couldn’t be heard until she touched the bra with the piezo disks. The fingers would have these piezo disks, which are microphones, attached and the bra speakers. Put them together and it creates strange sounds.(No. Not “Oh baby. Yeah that’s it”.)

The sounds may help you understand more about your body and you may just have a good time even if you don’t learn anything. Sarah used 2 amplifiers, 6 speakers, 2 piezo disks, netting, cloth material, plastic, cardboard and Velcro. She plans to create an updated version of the bra and some digital underwear to really spice things up. Like I said, I don’t know what it proves, except that Sarah likes to play herself like an instrument. You go girl.

Let’s face it, it’s hard to take calls when snowboarding. You won’t have to worry anymore thanks to Swany’s g.cell, the first hands free cell phone ski and snowboarding gloves. You’ll be alerted to incoming calls with(Prepare yourself) vibrating wrist action.

Just tap the back of your hand to receive calls. Comes complete with charger included and it will give you 12 hours on standby/ 4 hours talk time. The speaker and mic are located in the palm and the thumb so you might look a little silly as you literally talk to the hand. Available this holiday season for $495. They might just be the most expensive glove ever.

Maybe you have a nerdy grandmother who loves gadgets. This would be the perfect gift from a loving grandson. Or perhaps your grandmother is addicted to online games and complains of a chill between kills. Again, this is the perfect gift. Could also be that you rarely pay attention to your grandmother and are using the computer area as a sort of rest home, hooking her up to all kinds of USB gadgets.

Yeah, I’m just not seeing how you can go wrong buying this for that special elder in your life. It even has a button to hold it in place around the shoulders while you work or play bingo, count pills and the like. Only $29.

Want your girlfriend’s boobs to look like a luminous butterfly from a drug commercial? So does French design house Lumigram. Meet the Lumitop bra. It will illicit responses like “I’m up here!” as it seems to hypnotize you not with what lay behind it for once, but with it’s bright luminescent shine. Because there’s nothing sexier then a futuristic, luminescent babe right?

The bras are part of Lumigram’s new collection - light for style. It’s powered by 1.5V replaceable batteries, which will cause boob-shine for more than 12 hours and sports a small on/off switch. Current pricing is from 100 to 170 Euros. If I may, in my current state of euphoria, paraphrase from a Neil Diamond song. “Turn on your bra-light. Let it shine wherever you go. Let it make a happy glow, for all the world to see…”

We’ve seen our share of solar powered devices, but nothing so hideous and blatantly dorky as the solar powered necktie. It will not only collect solar power, but it also singles you out as a geek. You can thank a group of braniacs at Iowa State University for creating it. It’s made from newly developed solar fabrics. The solar panels are tiny and laid out in a grid that at least makes it look somewhat like any other tacky tie.

It even sports a pocket sewn into the back so your device can suck precious juice like a parasite that no one can see. This technology can only end with a living symbiote tie that strangles you dead, thereby making it look like you’ve committed suicide. Then they’ll take over the world. No one will know. It will just seem like unusually high suicides. Let’s just stop wearing them now, can we? They’re silly.

Is that Metroid in your cartridge slot or are you just happy to see me? For once it’s not a scaled down NES that fits into a thimble. The NES belt buckle is all about combining geek style with the theory that bigger is better.

It will definitely get you noticed, while protecting your crotch from Ninjas at the same time. Actually, I don’t think it’s a belt buckle at all after watching the below video. I think this guy put a hole in back and stuck his lightgun in if you know what I mean.