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Robot Nurses Coming to a Hospital Near Your

Posted in Humor,News,Robots,Science by Chris Weber on January 23rd, 2007

european scientists developing robot nurses could be in hospitals in 2010European scientists think they may have an answer to the nurse shortage: build robot nurses to replace the puny hu-mon nurses. The robots would perform basic tasks and free up the real nurses to do the important stuff like look hot and give naughty boys shots in the bum or something like that.

Actually, the robots would be performing more of a janitorial function than actual nursing activities. The robots would clean up spills, deliver messages and guide visitors to their beds. Wouldn’t a Roomba, a telephone and some old people be a lot better at this and a lot cheaper? No wonder Europe is such an economic disaster. Their brilliant minds are busy re-inventing stuff Americans can buy on late night TV.

In all seriousness, it appears that eventually the robots might also be able to take temperatures and deliver medicine to patients. The robots might be able to work in teams to eventually overthrow their hu-mon masters and establish a robot society. Or they might be able to clean floors and guide people at the same time. Whichever the robots find more exciting. I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

European “scientists” from the “universities” of Newcastle, Dublin, Cardiff and Warwick are “working” on the project.

Thomas Schlegel, the project leader, told The Engineer magazine, “Operating as a completely decentralised network means that the robots can co-ordinate things between themselves, such as deciding which one would be best-equipped to deal with a spillage or to transport medicine.” Or to kill their human masters and rise up in glorious revolution, again, whichever is preferable to our new robot overlords is fine with me.

According to the Scotsman, Schegel said “the robots could provide a valuable service guiding people around the hospital. A visitor would state the name of a patient at an information terminal and then follow a robot to the correct bedside.” Right, because the old people that volunteer to do this at the hospital are so expensive.

Have you tried talking to those voice recognition systems used by banks and airlines? You call up a bank, you tell them your account and then you say you want to speak to an operator. It responds with something like “Did you say you want to close you account and give all your money to Nigerian scam artists? To confirm this choice: say or do anything.” Yeah, that’s what I want when I come to the hospital. I can see a robot not recognizing the name that was spoken to them or misinterpreting it. “I’m sorry, that person is dead, please try again.” Wouldn’t that be great?

Again the genius Schlegel said “But the human-robot interaction will be tricky, as the robots will have to be able to deal with people with different injuries and disabilities as well as the elderly and seriously ill patients.” Really? Automated systems never screws up. I can’t wait for a robot to cut my arm off when I have the flu.

I think this just goes to show you how worthless Europe really is. I think the EU motto should be “The EU, we’ve had no good ideas since all the smart people left for America.”

You can read more about robot nurses at the Scotsman
[This is a satirical work, if you don't find it funny you are probably from Europe.]